Medicating and reading

First, (it’s) The Medication, as a singer I know would sing.

Just when I was getting bored of being constantly depressed and convinced about my uselessness, the depression suddenly lifted and last two days have actually been… okay. Not particularly manic, not depressed, just… normal. I got things done. I had two meetings that could possibly result in getting some work when I’m able to do it. I had a workout. I had some nice time both on my own and with my boyfriend. And I remembered I have a blog, even, as you can see. It is a relief to finally feel human after 10 days of feeling like a burpy sexless depressed zombie.

Oh, yes, the side effects are a BLAST. First, I have constant indigestion. It took a break somehow yesterday, and I spent most of the day NOT burping and NOT feeling like my stomach was full of air, and then it came back today and I felt very disappointed because I had hoped the special effect was gone for good. Alas. Second, my libido is down to… half of what it was, roughly. Even though valproic acid is supposed to boost testosterone, that, with me, means I get muscles, lift haaard at the gym (not complaining here), get angry (totally unlike me) and haven’t got too much interest in sex. Not because I am too tired, after all, most of the time I do not much really. Just because I don’t feel like it much. Depressed bit is kind of self-explanatory. And the zombie?

Well, my mood is very stable most of the time. As in I don’t give a shit. I was finally feeling a bit up yesterday, and I got a letter from the benefit-giving part of the government, which I can roughly sum up as “Dear Oliveira, we’re going to take away your benefits the second you are declared to be fit for work. Not when you are employed, haha, that would be just STUPID. Hopefully you die quick. Love, gov’t”. It didn’t touch me. Today, a friend of mine that lives upstairs from me notified me that 1) he’s moving, and 2) he’s taking his Internet connection (which I have been, ahem, sharing) along. It didn’t touch me. I have moods and emotions, why not. They just don’t seem to depend on what’s actually happening.

Today I had a blood test, and I was recognised by the nurse. Result! I am a regular at the hospital! This is what I always dreamed of. (But that actually also doesn’t affect my mood so in a way who cares.)

*

Now some reading material.

  • We were talking on the bipolar forum a while ago about whether it is possible to recover, and we realised we’re not sure what that means. To some people recovery means being med-free and having the life they had before diagnosis. To some — full-time employment, medicated or not. To some — being able to survive outside hospital with help of social workers. Since we couldn’t agree on a definition, we also couldn’t tell how much of a possibility it was. Here’s an interesting article that might help define recovery in bipolar.
  • People with mental illnesses die of physical causes on average 20 years before people without mental illnesses. (TWENTY!!!!!) 20 Years Too Soon is a campaign devoted to changing that. Often the physical side effects/symptoms are ignored even by doctors that tell us “at least you’re not crazy anymore”. I hope to benefit from this campaign.
  • Pastor of an Edmonton church gives his opinion on the new bipolar movie.
  • Celebs come out as bipolar, and it’s a good thing, and it would be awesome to have more of them.
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