Not a very good day.
I went to a doctor from the employment office today. Basically here in Europe how it works is that I am now considered disabled temporarily, and the doctor decides when I can come back to work and in what degree. I had two slightly manic days in a row and felt quite good, but today overslept (almost brand new phone broke — switched off at night and won’t switch on anymore) and so I arrived quite sleepy.
The doctor talked to me, noted down my medication and asked questions. I expected her to be all like “and now go back to work you lazy bastard!!!” and instead she was very caring and nice, and then at the end said, I guess for now there’s nothing we can do, I will see you in three months and then contact your doctor to see if we can begin putting you back in the job market.
I am deeply upset by this, because I guess I was still in denial. You know those people who think mental illness isn’t real? I think that about my own, even though it tried to kill me and a few times almost succeeded. Recalling my suicide attempt from October (not exactly long time ago) made me depressed and upset, but by now I put it aside as long gone past. I am doing so well now, cycling “only” every 2-3 days. It’s so hard for me to admit that yes, I am indeed ill, and that I may be doing better than 3 months ago, but that doesn’t mean I am fully functional yet, and it may be a long time for me.
I am not being the man I want to be for my boyfriend or family. I used to be the rich guy giving lavish presents, always there when anybody needed a hand, providing help, being strong and inspiring. Now I am still trying to be that man but it just isn’t possible, and it makes me feel both guilty and frustrated. I can’t take my boyfriend anywhere, because I have no money. I can’t buy my family Xmas presents, because I have no money — I’ll try to send them something small but even that stretches my budget. I can’t be strong. I have to admit defeat. And that is not something I am good at.
The guilt, too… I feel like I am not enough for my boyfriend and family. I want to be the one people can count on; not the one that needs to count on people. My vanity gets a kicking from every direction at the moment. I said to a guy whose workshop I sometimes work at that I’ll come over and help him install a gate. Well, instead of that I am at home, depressed, trying unsuccessfully to drag myself to the gym. I want to do things, to achieve things, to recover and conquer the world again. I have no wish to sit on my ass being sad. When Ian posts about full recovery? Nothing less will satisfy me, and I want it NOW. Instead, the longer I see doctors and talk to them, the further away it seems to be drifting, and the fact that I am now sitting here depressed after having had a great weekend of course proves that I am not exactly fine yet.