My mood chart from November so far shows a slow mood swing up and then a slow mood swing down.

“Slow” is, of course, relative. After cycling every 3-4 hours, doing so every 2-3 days is a massive improvement and feels like stability — I can now cancel my appointments a day in advance rather than an hour. It isn’t totally stable, I suppose, but then, would I even know what totally stable is?

I’ve been asked by a friend, who got confused, how come I so suddenly got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and (seemingly) crashed into some sort of self-pitying well. Thing is, I am very good at hiding problems, and pretending everything is going well. I went for drinks (green tea for me, thank you) this Saturday with a friend, and mentioned my illness. “But you seem so well!” she said, somewhat confused. “I’d never guess you’re sick!” Well, that was the plan all along. But then I probably shouldn’t be upset when people, indeed, do not guess… until I get to the point where it is impossible to hide things, and suddenly hey presto, I am totally ill with what seems to be no prior warning.

I am generally known either to give up on things very easily, or to do them very well. I am working on my bipolar very hard. Taking medication precisely every 24 hours and never forgetting a dose; sleeping when I need to; mood charting when I need to; everything happens when it needs to and how it needs to. And it frustrates me that the results do not come fast enough for my liking. I want to be 100% fine NOW. A week ago, though, my doctor told me that it might take “months” (plural) for me to feel fine, and that in the meantime I might have to do small voluntary work for two hours per day, and avoid anything like excess stress. Which immediately caused me to get stressed. I want all or nothing, and I am not ready to wait for it. It seems, though, I’m going to get very little, and I will have to wait a very long time.

Apologies for a chaotic posting, I think it mirrors quite well what is going on in my head right now.


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