I am kind of starting to get used to the idea I will spend the rest of my life suffering from a mental disorder.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not COMFORTABLE with the idea. I am not happy, I am not resigned, I am not walking around whistling to myself and going “yay me, being crazy is such fun”. But I am now less angry, and much, much less in denial. It unfortunately makes a lot of sense, especially since I read a story of a lady on one of the forums I frequent and she has pretty much the same symptoms as I do.
I am getting more stable every week, too. I actually had two days now of feeling… normal. It is, I guess, a sign of how bad I was before that whole two days in a row of feeling completely normal, without ups and downs as time goes by, are a special event worth noting. I am, of course, worrying about what that means. It could be a sign of impending hypomania.
This in a way is the hardest bit — doubting everything. I bought something today that wasn’t food — am I on a shopping spree?! I felt somewhat horny — hypersexuality OMG!!! I wouldn’t mind a beer — substance abuse warning!!! Etc. I haven’t quite learned yet how to find a middle ground among all the icebergs waiting for me. I am not sure yet what constitutes “normal”, seeing as last time I thought I found “normal” I didn’t find it strange at all that I was in personal contact with a deity. (My friends thought it was normal too, which shows that I am obviously surrounded by a bunch of crazies. Kidding! No, I am serious. But I love my bunch of crazy friends.)
2012, coming to an end, was a year of massive enormous changes. So was 2011. Some of those changes were for better. Some were for worse. Some — hard to say yet. But pretty much all of them were freaking massive. 2011 and 2012, as far as I am concerned, were more Hollywood blockbusters full of expensive-looking explosions than an episode of “At home with Nigella”. If possible, I would like to request politely that 2013 is a bit calmer. I love changes, new things, excitement, rollercoasters and bungee jumps, but seriously, I had enough in the last two years to last two average lifetimes. I’d like to quietly settle in a corner with my little disorder, blanket and teddy bear and get a bit of holiday from life. Please?