Stabilising

I am feeling more stable these days. Finally. I am not entirely thrilled about the fact I seem to have stabilised in a mild depression with constant suicidal thoughts, but still, a week of that IS more stable than anything I experienced in months.

Yesterday I realised I am now going to be an accidental straight edger.

Straight edge originated as a hardcore punk movement. Members of the movement pledged to never drink, take drugs or smoke tobacco. The more hardcore ones also refrained from pre-marital sex, caffeine and/or meat. Being a hardcore punk movement it wasn’t as peaceful and holy as it sounds, of course, and straight edge started being perceived as a gang.

It hit home yesterday for me: I am pretty much straight edge for life now. I am not allowed to drink, take drugs and I am adviced to skip caffeine and tobacco as well. For life. And to go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time every night/morning. For life. In a town of parties, where life begins at 11pm, this is going to be easy. Not. I realise I am whining and that there are people who have no legs, who have cancer or who don’t get to eat every day, of course, and that I should shut up and thank the Lord in my prayers every day for not taking my legs/lungs/eyes away instead of my nights going out. But I’m too busy being suicidal.

I wonder if this is a side effect of the medication or the fact that I have no antidepressant in my system anymore that makes me constantly suicidal. It’s very slight, so to say, it’s just the ever-present thought “I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up”. It’s not proper full-on she-bang “let’s do this particular thing and I shall be dead!!!!”, luckily, as resisting THAT for days and days might be a bit too difficult. I just kind of don’t feel like living really. And with that mood, the added limitations and difficulties seem to pile up into a mountain that covers the entire horizon and makes it very difficult to look past the coming day or two.

‘How are you?’ ask me my friends. ‘Oh you know,’ I respond, ‘ups and downs’. This is going to be a running joke for a while longer.

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