Fuck that shit

And by that shit I mean “acceptance”.

No offense anyone. But this was not meant to happen. I wasn’t meant to be bipolar. I had my depression, and we were used to each other and we lived together for eight years or so, and although it tried to kill me a few times it (obviously) never succeeded. And that was going to be that. I was halfway through a book about how I recovered from it, found a new career and a new boyfriend, and how things were going to be perfect. They were not perfect. I was hypomanic. But it felt so right.

It’s been 15 days since my diagnosis. I have withdrawn from the world, spending most of the time at home. My best friend — or so I thought — doesn’t ask how I’m doing, his entire reaction so far to my announcement has been posting funny videos with dogs on my Facebook and some jokes when I mentioned semi-cryptically I wasn’t doing too well. I can’t decide what to do about it. Sometimes it makes me angry, sometimes — sad and depressed, but I keep on telling myself I have no right to expect people to behave in a certain way. Even if I called those people “best friend” more than once, and in public, it still doesn’t mean that I have the right to expect them to ask me how I am doing. But, you know, Buddha and all, I am only human. And I wish he’d come over, hug me and say he’s there for me. Fuck that acceptance shit. I wouldn’t ever leave him like that.

My boyfriend has been by my side since day one, and remains there. If anything, this seems to have made us closer. Three of my friends provide a lot of support; one of them completely unexpectedly (I thought he was going to be no more than a passing acquaintance in my life), the other two — proving my theory they were very sweet and good people. This makes the “betrayal” of the other friend something I can cope with. It doesn’t make me happy. But it makes me go on.

Another person in my life, who appeared there during my hypomanic phase, continues surprising and amazing me with his goodness and sweetness. I never expected him to be anything more than someone I work with. Instead he has been caring, sweet, helpful and simply good. How true the saying is that you recognise a true friend when you’re down and out rather than when you’re up and jolly. I obviously had no clue who my true friends were, and for this lesson I’d thank Thor, had I still believed in gods now that I’ve been told spiritual experiences are a symptom too.

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